Posts Tagged With: sad

It’s Okay to be Sad

Well, Hello There!

It seems so odd to be blogging now after a little break (since January, I blogged every day!).

Today, I got to run a Valentine’s 5K Run with runrchatts and for the spirit of this “holiday”, we were tied together! Luckily, there was some slack because I fell behind a couple of times (and he was already running pretty slow for his pace). He’s got another 21 kms to run today to complete his 26 km training run towards a 30k race in March!! You’re doing amazing, keep it up!!

February 9 Run: 37:05 (mm:ss), 5.02 km, 7’23″/km (GPS Watch)

The great news is that this is my fastest 5k in quite some time! I’ve slowed down a lot since this time last year. According to my watch we finished 5k in 36 minutes 56 seconds. We’ll see what happens when the race stats are loaded; yes this fun run where you’re tied together, you are given a chip and timed as a team!

I just wanted to let you all know, that I am doing okay. I am still pretty broken and have my moments. The visitation and funeral were very tough (but when is it not?). I’m still finding my struggles with my family and learning how to stay strong. I have a wonderful second family of friends and bosses, my bosses are the best in the world. People work for people and I definitely stay where I am because of my two bosses. They have been more than understanding and supportive. My friends, (yes, this includes you!), have read/listened to my thoughts and hurt, you have been there for me and provided support and extremely touching words/gestures. I would like to clarify, I do find many of you, other bloggers, to be my friend. I may not have met you but you know more about me than a lot of my family does and I know more about you than I could say about some members in my family too. You are here for me and you understand, you do not judge and you care. Thank you to everyone, from the bottom of my heart, life is too short, cherish every moment.

It seems that “enough” time has passed and I should be able to move on from grieving. That’s what seems logical. BUT I’m not ready to move on yet. I’m not ready to say good-bye and I’m still so broken up with all the thoughts of my Uncle and all of the last memories I have with him and of his funeral. Everyone is different and I guess I am just one of those people who need more time to mourn.

courage and strength to move on and change

The heads up is that I may still have some pretty bummer posts, I don’t know how long it will take me to not be sad about this whole situation but I will continue to motor on and be the best I can be. With that being said, I have signed up for the The Inaugural Move Your Paws for the Polar Bear Cause 3km Run. I’m very excited about this run!! It’s at the Toronto Zoo and this will be the first one hosted in February with super adorable polar bear medals (yes, there is a Zoo run in August as well but this is only up to a 3km fun run).  If you live in Ontario or plan on being in the GTA February 22nd, please join in on the run! Proceeds go to the Toronto Zoo. It’s only 3 kms, and if you’re slow like me or if you choose to walk (basically my pace), you’ll be done in less than half an hour! If you walked the zoo, you’d be walking more than 3km. Oh and your race fee includes all day entry for yourself to the Toronto Zoo.

It does seem like it has been forever since blogging and my thoughts are all over the place trying to get you all caught up!
Last week, after giving up on my running streak after 35 days, I substituted the run with a Spin Class! On February 4th I rode for 51 minutes!! It was super intense and completely different from my first spin class. The instructor this time didn’t introduce herself or give me the opportunity to speak to her before the class (unlike the first one I went too). Both classes were “advanced” and yes, this one surely felt way too hard for me but as long as I kept peddling it didn’t matter much to me. I’d like to continue to spin to get a different activity in that will compliment with running.

I hope you have been doing well yourself, I have not been able to get out to read any blogs over the last week but I do plan on getting caught up this week. Look forward to my likes when I drop by and catch up on your journey!

Happy Running!

rundmach

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Accepting the Truth

Good Evening World,

Thank you to everyone who read my last post and sent me some feedback/support. I’m not going to lie, I’m still pretty sad and right now I don’t really know if it’s all because I’m still “fat” or because I’m just sad my uncle has passed and my family doesn’t seem to be coming together… or maybe I am just taking this more personal than anyone else would have expected? I guess death is a hard thing to move on from and to stay strong for those even closer that are affected (like my aunt, my cousins, and my mom). Am I just being selfish and want to see family so I can get some comfort? Maybe they need their space and I should just let it be. Or maybe I am just sad because some people look at me and think I’m huge and some people think I’m small or healthy… But like I said, despite how I physically look and what people stay I am still not in a healthy weight range. I’m fat, I still huff and puff while running, and I don’t feel very healthy. I could also just be sad because I’m not very happy at work anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I love my team, but the rest of my work life kind of frustrates me… Honestly, if you don’t love what you do, go find another job, don’t just get by with what you think is minimal effort when it’s really 0 effort. Anyways, I won’t go into it but I’m a little stressed out with how some people have gotten so far in life when it doesn’t seem like they deserve it at all.

After today’s run, I am calling a quits to the run streak. Not that I’m a quitter and stopping running, but taking a day or so break. My shins hurt while I run and the last thing I want is shin splints, I’ve heard those are a nightmare for a runner. Hopefully, I will get out to a few more spin classes and try a few different machines at the gym. I’m the awkward introvert who doesn’t like talking to people or asking questions, so using new machines takes me a few minutes to figure it out, heh…

February 3 Run: 7:34 (m:ss), 1 km, 7’34″/km (Treadmill)

Well, there’s run streak 35 completed and I’m going to take a break for the sake of me… I don’t want to! I want to keep running but I guess I should listen to my body with all these new aches and pains that I haven’t had before.

rest-day-big-deal-running inspiration

rundmach

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Determination or Deteriorating

Happy Sunday!

I am in dire need of some help, inspiration, and education. I am a little beat up. Today I ran 1 km again. I’m feeling a pain in my lower right back mostly when I run. It’s very low and very sharp in one spot. It makes me sad because it feels like I’m too fat and it’s causing my body to ache. After a month of activeness and now 34 days of running plus eating healthier, I haven’t lost any weight!! Before you jump to conclusions, I am not in my ideal weight. I’m borderline obese for my height and age. If I don’t continue the work I’m doing, I know I will gain more weight, it doesn’t stop. Some days I don’t feel quite as fat as today. So, I’ve been pretty sad and bummed out over not losing any weight, still feeling jiggly, and aching all over.

I’m determined to keep my run streak going but am I ruining my body by not giving myself proper rest days? But really, what is 8 minutes of running really going to do to me in a bad way? I’m extremely conflicted because I am a very stubborn person, so naturally, I do not want to break this streak because of a little pain or sadness over not losing weight – even if I am questioning it a little bit…

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Continue running even if it is only 1 km a day or take some time off?

February 2 Run: 8:00 (m:ss), 1.01 km, 7’53″/km (Treadmill)

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Sincerely,

rundmach

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Janathon Day 30

No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive. – Unknown

January 30 Spin: 58:30 (mm:ss), 23.8 km
January 30 Run: 16:00 (mm:ss), 2.12 km, 7’37″/km (iPod)
Janathon Day 30

I survived my first spin class today!! Janathon janathon-participant-logo Day 30 has been completed with a double work out. A 9 am spin class and a short 9 pm running session (plus the regular strength exercises after the run). My bottom hurts a lot, particularly what I’m told are the sit bones that hurt a ridiculous amount already! The spin class was pretty awesome. I was told it was no beginner class and would be challenging but I could go at my own pace and rest when I needed. I followed the regular “rest” period as everyone else for the 45 minute duration of the class. I ended up being on the bike for almost an hour – showing up early and starting to spin away to get warmed up. My bum hurt before the class even started! I also had cycling shorts on with the padding. I’m a little shocked a lot of ladies in the class (and guys – but they can hide it better under shorts), didn’t have padded pants or shorts on??? How do they survive? My friend who came with me to spin class (he’s done it before), is planning on going back tomorrow morning! Do I dare join him?? I said I am interested and in, but we’ll see how I feel in the morning. My legs felt a little off after getting off the bike but I’m okay now. Hopefully, these classes pay off and I see my body shed a few of those stubborn pounds that don’t want to come off.

The YMCA offers a lot of classes with membership or drop in rates. The spin class was very well taught and I think the instructor was awesome. She was very nice, not intimidating at all, taught me how to set up my bike (and move it – yes, I was the awkward person trying to roll my bike over from the back of the trainer), and she kept everyone motivated. I like her, too bad she only teaches day classes – I’ll be going to evening ones after work.

The class really helped me out to start off the day today. I wasn’t able to think at all, only listen to what the instructor said and force my legs to keep motoring on through all those hills and fast speed intervals. It took a very long time to get to bed and having to wake up early, I didn’t sleep all that much last night. I was finally able to let my mind go into no where land thanks to the spin class.

This image basically sums up how I got through the class. Just keep going – persevere! Although I may not have been going nearly as fast as any of the other spinners (cyclists? What’s the correct term here??), I was giving it my all. I had set the tension to what were tough for me and when I thought I could handle more, I’d turn it up a notch (but really, I couldn’t handle that notch very long).
cycling inspiration

I am sad and it’s hard to ignore sad thoughts but overtime it will fade… I not sure how long I will be in morning. I’ve just been a bit quieter in thoughts and sitting at home, cleaning, resting, just being. I eventually got up to continue my run streak – Day 31 now completed with a steady 5 mph run for 16 minutes.

Here’s to staying strong and trying new things.

Love,

Diana Mach

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Janathon Day 29

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. – Unknown, From an Irish headstone

January 29 Run: 20:00 (mm:ss), 2.75 km, 7’19″/km (iPod)
Janathon Day 29

Janathon janathon-participant-logo Day 29 has been completed with a 20 minute run. I warn you today’s post is going to be a little depressing and scattered. I can’t really keep my thoughts together as my initial thought was to run for 60 minutes or really as long as I possibly could… I will try to lay out the events of my day that lead me to thinking all the running in the world will make me feel better… I don’t expect you to read all of this, I just need an outlet right now and this is all I have.

Today, I stayed home. Taking a mini stay-cataion today to Friday and Friday is the Chinese New Year where I was planning to go home and celebrate with my Mom and go visit my Uncle to have some celebrations, laughed, and food. Early in the morning, I headed over with a friend to the YMCA here to take a tour of the facilities. Yes, I have a treadmill but I’ve been thinking about trying out a spin class and maybe start swimming. Woah, those are all the triathlete  sports! I’m not sure if that’s where I’m heading since I dread road bikes but I have heard so much great things about spin classes and losing weight. I didn’t sign up for a membership yet since this facility offers a 7 day free trial. I signed up and tomorrow morning at 9 am I will be doing my first spin class (Cyclefit as they call it). Scared and anxious, I hope it turns out well because I’d like to drop a few pounds!! Plus, if I do sign up for the  facilities, I can try a run on the treadmill there and compare it to the treadmill I own (for a comparison of the distance and pace). After registering for a free week starting tomorrow, we stopped a local bike shop for him to check out some road bikes. It was 1:10 pm when I noticed at 1:08 pm I missed two calls from my mom. I immediately  called her back (my mom doesn’t call me during the day unless it’s an emergency)… It was… I don’t want to get into major details but my mom’s brother, my uncle, passed away at noon today. He had cancer. He outlived cancer for longer than he should have. I just saw him Saturday at our family dinner at his house! I was planning to visit him this Friday to wish him a Happy New Year!…. I headed home straight away… called my brothers… Curled up in bed and cried… and cried… and continued to be sad. I ordered bad food…. I curled up on the couch… I moped around… I kept thinking, the best thing I can do is just get on the treadmill and run as much as I can so I can get lost in the run. Really?! That does NOT work. You cannot run from your problems and no matter how many miles you put in, you cannot bring someone back. My thoughts keep going back to my aunt, my wonderful aunt… my cousins… my mom…. I pushed my speeds up to even 6 mph for the last 2 or 3 minutes until I just stopped because all I wanted to do was drop and curl up. I need to mourn before I can force myself to move on but all I want to do is force myself to move on. If I continued to run, I’m sure I would have fallen flat on my face. I kept thinking about my uncle and thoughts of him. Thoughts of how he was the one person of all my aunts and uncles to connect with me in any way. We’ve even chatted over running when I told him I had started running, he told me how he would go for runs before he got sick… I pushed on and kept pushing the pace higher and higher. I know that he loved me. I thought about my sweet aunt who loved my uncle more than anything. My aunt who showed her unconditional love for him and cherished him. My family may not be the closest family but this is the family I have and I don’t want to lose anyone in it. I love them all even if we only see each other once a year or only chat online every now and then. I thought about how much I wished running could take away the sadness and make everything better. How badly I wanted to shut my brain off and just run.  I should be happy that my overall run averaged a pace of 7’14″/km which is pretty darn fast for me right now. I’d ideally like to be running a 7 minute kilometre but really, I’d just like my uncle back. That was my day. I am still going to go to the spin class tomorrow and hope for the best. Sorry for babbling on…

I am just sad and no run can fix that today.

Sincerely,

Diana Mach

don't wait until its too late love

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Santa 5K Recap

Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get. – Ray Kroc

December 7 Run: 37:41 (mm:ss), 5.03 km, 7’29″/km

5k time on my watch was 37:31. The official chip time isn’t up yet; I didn’t even know it was a chipped run until I picked up my race kit. Check it out. The kit is pretty sweet. $40 and you get a full Santa suit, beards are mandatory during race time too!

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I’m sure you probably want to see what it looks like on so I will save the photo at the end. 😀
The run was still tough for me, too cold (-4°C feels like -8 with some crazy with that really hurt your hands), then too hot with the beard, hat, and ensemble. My chest really hurt the whole time; guess my inhaler didn’t help as I started a new one today…. It was however snowing a little bit on and off during the run, those moments made me smile. I did feel like I was struggling and not enjoying the run as much as I had liked to and been expecting…. Maybe my hopes were too high and my mind was preoccupied.

After the race. I grabbed a water with runrchatts who joined me for this run and tried to pace me… We didn’t hang around for the free pizza, line was just too long. During the majority of the run, I felt awful seeing him in front of me, it looked like he was walking with a hop because he had to try so hard to go so slow at a “run” pace and I was still falling behind… I still really appreciate the support and sort of company, haha. Thanks for trying to run with me and being there!

I was really hoping this run would get me more into Christmas… I haven’t been feeling well health wise and been a little stressed with work… My tree isn’t up yet and the house has 0 signs that Christmas is even on its way! Seeing all the Santas and hearing the Christmas music did help but now I’m home feeling blue again…

This was supposed to be a fun run but now I’m really bummed out with how horrible I feel for being so slow. I came to terms with my speed but then races like this make me realize just how slow I am. Why does everyone ask about how fast how fast? Couldn’t it be enough that I got out there and was active? Maybe I’m not cut out to be a runner either! Anyways, enough with being negative nancy, here’s a fun photo of me before the race…

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Shaking my belly like a bowl full of jelly – ho ho ho.

Hope you’re having a happier day than I am.

rundmach

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Stay Calm, Pray, and Run On (11:3)

Hello,

I am trying to keep my focus to not rant on about how disgusted I am by the recent tragedies and how saddened I am with mankind; I will however blog about running as usual. I would also like to mention how I love the running community, I love how strong and connected all runners are, how this horrific attack will NOT stop any of us from running, and I am thankful to be part of this world as all of your blogs have made me believe that there is still good out there.

20130416-220828.jpgI initially had planned on running yesterday. After hearing the news just before leaving work, I was devastated. I got home and all I could do was find anything to follow the story online. I watched every live news feed available. I walked to the corner store, got some junk, and just binged as I watched the news and feel my heart sinking and my mind so lost. Needless to say, running did not happen yesterday.

For those of you that don’t know me, I don’t have access to cable/free TV. Yes, this is by choice! I watch what I like online, commercial free. I read my news through the newspaper and am very selective with that. I try not to stay caught up with the news because I cannot stand the heartbreak. Newspapers don’t celebrate the good in the world as often as reporting on the demons.

….

April 16 Run: 74 minutes, 5.89 (9.48 km, 9.55 km on Nike+)

Anyways, today we ran outside because the weather called for it. It was tough to keep the pace I should as I’m still not capable of regulating my pace to a T. The run wasn’t too hard though. I had runrchatts come out to my neighborhood. He’s great at pacing me but I’m just a slacker. My thighs burned the entire time. My heart felt warm. I thought about a lot and cleared my mind for a while. 20130416-215632.jpg Dedicated my run, as I knew many others would be, to show my support for all of those in Boston – the runners and all the supporters and heroes. I ran hoping that the father who lost his little boy would one day run again. I ran believing that this is a sick and twisted individual will get what’s coming to him and that the world is good. I ran and stayed calm, much calmer than I felt last night. I prayed in my mind running. I sent my thoughts out. I finished my run.

I’m still a bit lost for words as I feel I can go on about how I just don’t understand, how close this feels, how much this does hurt me and make me sad… But I will not…
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has been affected and to every runner in the world.

rundmach

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Undefined & Terrified 9:3

Hi World,

Since my last post, I have been in a very odd state. A vast array of emotions have come and gone. I actually ended up throwing up that night instead of going for a walk. Yesterday, I was pretty bummed out: I’ve received noise complaints of the treadmill in my apartment. I’ve had the treadmill for three months and didn’t throw out the box until Tuesday; I received a complaint on the Wednesday… It’s unfortunate but I’ve been living here for almost three years, it’s time to find a new home where I am welcomed.

Today I saw the dentist and had 1.5 hours of work done on the tooth that’s been giving me some issues. Not in the clear yet, I will be back in two weeks. With the stress of this on my body and doing work from home today, I’m not feeling very well. My stomach still feels a bit off and during my run I was light-headed the entire time.

March 26 Run: 61 minutes, 4.77 miles (7.81 km on Nike+)

This was by far the most challenging run I can think of. It’s the same run as the last two… The last two intervals I was hanging onto the treadmill feeling faint and noticing my headache was more prominent. The entire run, I was in a very negative and dark place. I couldn’t get my mind into the good. In the end I finished it but it didn’t feel as good as the last two runs. I’m terrified since the next run to plan will be 18 minute intervals instead of 12… I really don’t know how I will do this.

I have updated the 10k for Pink plan with a comparison of my plan to theirs. Basically, I’ve changed the times to hit match the distance as the plan expects running a 10 minute mile instead of the 12 minute mile I’m pacing at.

20130326-202624.jpgTo jump back to earlier this morning, I’ve impulsively signed up for a 5k run. I was super stoked when I signed up thinking this will be great to do prior to the 10k coming up. This 5k is raising money for prostate cancer research and is on April 6.

So, my day started out pretty exciting… Then I started reading other blogs to get inspired… Then I started thinking about all the other runners out there and how I am doing… It isn’t getting any easier. I haven’t found my breath. I haven’t lost weight (and trust me, I’ve eaten a lot better as well). I’m slower than I was before. I am dreading running outside again. I’m terrified of this 5k because of the unknown. What is the route like? What about the hills? What about the sketchy weather?

I don’t mean to be really negative, I just find myself in a rut and almost wanting to quit. I’ve even thought about finishing the 10k then quitting. I don’t know how I got here… Earlier in the week I had the positive mindset, thinking maybe after the 10k, it won’t be enough and I’ll maybe do a half marathon one day…

Well… All in all, I’m trying to get myself out of this funk and excited again…
All that matters is finishing and not stopping… This photo sums it all up.
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Hopefully there will be a better next blog, I’ll have completed 10:1 and be in a more positive mental space.

rundmach

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Treading On 8:1

Hi there,

I’m embarrassed to be writing 6 days after my last post… There’s one missing! I have not completed a run since last Wednesday. On the plus side, I made the move to run tonight.

March 12 Run: 43 min, 3.35 miles (5.34 km on Nike+)

5 minute walk, 33 minute run at 5 mph (0 incline), and a 5 minute cool down.

It’s getting warmer here but tonight I chose to run on the treadmill. The weekend was nice, but I chose not to run. I did go for a couple walks but I chose to sit around and be lazy. I did choose to run tonight. I’ve chosen to walk every day, just not run. I have not mentally reached that state yet where I can make time to run, instead I’ve made excuses. I am working on this!

sore or sorrySome days are tougher than others. Mondays have normally been my easiest day to get myself to run and be the fastest I can be. Somehow, yesterday, I broke down instead. It really hit me. I’m not old but I am getting older and my body is slowing down. I’ve consistently put on weight year over year. I’m losing energy, feeling lazy, and lacking enthusiasm to staying in shape. Last night was very hard…

camp-oochThere are only 60 days left to the run! Please remember, I am not only doing this for my health but I am trying to fundraise to send sick children to camp. I’ve been collecting pennies at work and trying to raise money wherever I can. I’ll also be matching the donations I raise in pennies and change at work. If you’re in Canada, you know the penny is being put to rest. If it’s not too much, please, collect your coins, deposit them, and donate to the charity: Donate to Camp Oochigeas. Even if you’re in another country, send over a $1, the charity is secure and takes major credit cards.

I’m not asking for much. Just the acknowledgement of your support. So like my post, follow my blog, donate to the charity, leave an inspiring comment, or do nothing (even your virtual footprint of visiting my page is enough!). Every little bit you do counts and helps push me on.

Thank you everyone for your support!

Sincerely,
rundmach

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Moving On, 5:1

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I’m not a calorie counter but this is how I feel right now.

This morning had been a very emotional one for me. It started off nice as I woke up with a smile on my face. All night, I dreamt about running and was excited to get on the treadmill when I woke up.
It’s Sunday, that means weigh in day for me. It’s been 3 weeks now and I haven’t lost a single pound. Instead of being disappointed and sad, I was more angry and frustrated over this result. It’s not as if I’m eating horrible foods but I’m not cutting them out. I refuse to. I know I can lose weight and keep eating whatever I want, whether it’s chips or carrots. I like healthy and junky foods. I believe I have a decent balance of both. So why am I not losing any weight? It’s past the point where I’m feeling down about it, I’m just simply angry with this situation.Today, I’ve moved on to the next week a day in advance. Week 5, Day 1. I stepped up and ran each running interval at 5.3 mph. This run included three 5 minute runs and walking in between.

January 27 Run: 31 minutes, 2.25 miles (3.5 km)

By the last run of this week, I should be able to run the entire 2.25 miles (3.6 km) straight. It seems out of reach right now but we’ll see what happens during the week. I will move onto 5:2 for the next run but I plan on repeating that workout a couple of times this week before doing the final run for this week and attempting the 2.25 miles straight.

I’m reading everyone’s blogs and they are definitely inspirational and motivational. I like seeing how determined you all are out there. Thank you all for putting up your blogs and sharing your stories with everyone. I’m struggling to find my inspiration to running for myself but I hope to find it soon.


rundmach

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Pathetic

Today, I was feeling better, health wise. Today, I felt I could run more. Today, I thought I could be stronger… Now, I feel I have failed myself… I can’t get out of my head… I can’t get positive… I just keep seeing more pounds on the scale…

January 12 Attempt: 40 minutes, 2.91 miles (4.4km)

Started off ok today, 3 minute walk warm up, 10 minute run, 1 minute walk, 4 minute run…. then a series of walking, running, walking… There were too many beeps; I kept changing the program… I couldn’t even keep track of what I was doing other than letting myself and you down.

Honestly, I feel pathetic. I couldn’t even get to 3 miles in 40 minutes…

According to Nike I’m averaging almost 9 minutes a km. Thats 3 minutes more than what I was running at last year…

I don’t want to give up the junky foods I like eating but I can’t get my head in a positive space to keep running on that treadmill….

We’ll see what happens next run…

dmach

P.s. this is how I feel

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